Holyrood Park

Holyrood Park
Lazing on a sunny afternoon
5/6

Holyrood Park > The Meadows. Fact? Don’t know, but it’s certainly the better place to be on a sunny day, as it was on Sunday. (Yes, it was sunny yesterday and today too, but some of us have jobs you know. We can’t all spend our days basking in the sun drinking cheap 8% cider*. Scum.)

Let’s start with the view. In the Meadows, all you can see are students, hippies (sometimes student hippies) and trees. In Holyrood Park, look south and you’ll be overawed by the sublimity of Arthur’s Seat and the Salisbury Crags (including that quite nice ruin-y thing). Glance round to the west and you’ll see Edinburgh’s attempt at re-creating ancient Athens on Calton Hill (you might even catch a glimpse of the castle). Look east (probably best to move your entire body. You’ll crick your neck otherwise) and you’ll see the top of the Easter Road and Meadowbank stadiums. Stadia. I dunno. There’s also Holyrood Palace and possibly even the Scottish Parliament, can’t remember.

Before my visit on Sunday I’d also have said that you get a better class of dog in Holyrood Park. I stand by that, but my opinion has been soured somewhat by the Staffordshire bull terrier who chose to interrupt my picnic to intimidate my poor defenceless girlfriend me. As Fido approached, I rose from my supine position onto my knees, ostensibly to allow myself better to greet, clap and perhaps even play with the vicious brute. This I did so deftly that I don’t think my girlfriend noticed that in fact I was getting myself into a position from which I could more easily run away from the slavering beast, or at least lash out at it in self-defence. In a brave and convincing acting performance, I refused to allow my face to betray my sheer terror. There were plenty of nicer dogs around though, if you like that sort of thing, which I do. Not in a weird way.

Holyrood Park is much quieter than the Meadows, and consequently you’re far less likely to get hit in the face with a football or frisbee while enjoying your packet of Quorn egg savouries from Sainsbury’s (reduced to £1.53, result!).

Anyway, if the good weather lasts until this weekend, avoid the scrounging hordes in the Meadows and get yourself down to Holyrood Park.

Pros: Quiet, lovely views, flat, soft grass, decent dogs, few ball games
Cons: Not as good as the Meadows if you want to perv on female students (which I don’t, honest guv) or if you need a wee

* Soon to be a bit less cheap if Nicola Sturgeon gets her way.

‘The Descendants’

‘The Descendants’
Cameo Cinema (Screen 2, i.e. the one that resembles the 14-inch telly in your gran’s front room)
Starring George Clooney … directed by that guy who did ‘Sideways’
4/6

IT’S been so long since I saw ‘The Descendants’ that it probably isn’t even showing any more, so I’ll keep this brief.

Ageless dreamboat George Clooney plays a Hawaiian bloke who inherited some beautiful land and could be about to sell it. He’s also having a midlife crisis thanks to his unruly children and unfaithful wife (who also happens to be in a coma). Amazingly, Clooney pulls off the harrassed, dishevelled cuckold role really well, although clearly the GF could not suspend her disbelief as well as I could: “I’d never cheat on George Clooney. Nuh-uh. No way. Wouldn’t happen.”

Anyway, it’s a pretty sedate film, as you’d expect from the director of ‘Sideways’ and other similar stuff, but it’s pretty good I reckon, full of humour and sadness, and definitely worth catching if it’s still on or watching on DVD when it comes out.

The Cuckoo’s Nest

The Cuckoo’s Nest
Home Street … near Tollcross … pretty much opposite Cameo cinema
4/6

AH, ORANGE Wednesdays. Helping haul the price of a cinema ticket down to something approaching reasonable. And freeing up some cash for a quick pre-film burger and pint at the Cuckoo’s Nest.

The Cuckoo’s Nest is pretty small inside (although apparently there’s another area in the basement … never been down there), which gives it a cosy atmosphere when busy and a slightly uncomfortable atmosphere when it’s just you and the barman (but only if you’re an awkward sort of person like wot I am).

The menu’s got a decent amount of stuff on it, with the burgers clearly being the centrepiece. After a traumatic period of deliberation (#middleclassproblems) I ordered the New York burger and the GF plumped for the Mexican one. We both had veggie patties and she forewent the chorizo on hers (although I kept the pastrami on mine). It was a tough decision though, as the special (salmon and crab fish burger with several mouth-watering accoutrements) sounded really good. We weren’t disappointed though — both burgers were very nice. A veggie burger is never going to be spectacular so this was probably near enough as good as it gets (but not quite in the same league as the Espy’s). I had a pint of something-or-other, possibly Heineken, which was fine, and the GF had a large (obviously) glass of white wine that I seem to remember she enjoyed quite a lot.

As a bonus, there was some Spanish football on the telly (which was similar in size to screen two at the Cameo, incidentally). That gave me something to do while the GF was wittering on about something or other (think Charlie Brown’s schoolteacher).

The Cuckoo’s Nest seems to attract quite a hipster crowd, judging by our visit. A few of them were wearing glasses that you just know didn’t have prescription lenses in them. Total insult to the genuinely visually impaired. YOU WOULDN’T GO ABOUT IN A WHEELCHAIR, WOULD YOU? Total insult.

(Not really, I’m only kidding. Just because you need glasses doesn’t mean you qualify as visually impaired. I’ve tried.)

Pros: Good food, good location, friendly staff, nice atmosphere when it got busier
Cons: Was unnervingly quiet when we got there, not terribly cheap (but not terribly expensive either, balanced review fans)

Khushi’s Diner

Khushi’s Diner
West Nicolson Street … near the Pear Tree where that downstairs bar used to be … God, what was it called? … that Belgian bloody beer bar … I’m not looking it up … too much pride … Centraal! … okay I looked it up … that’s so annoying, I used to go there loads!
2/6

I LIVE my life according to a number of guiding principles. The first, and most important, was passed on to me by the late, great football player Gary Lineker. Gary never used to shoot at goal during the warm-up before a match in case he used up all his good shots. That’s a doctrine we can, and should, extrapolate into other areas of our lives. Another maxim I promote is that insisting on finishing the pickle tray is often a false economy. (Catchy.)

Khushi’s Diner helps you get round this difficult-to-adhere-to life rule by giving you five little condiment pots that can be finished comfortably without putting you off your forthcoming curry and costing you several pounds in uneaten bhuna WHEN YOUR DETERMINATION TO FINISH THE PICKLE TRAY ONLY SAVED YOU ABOUT 50 PENCE, YOU MORON. AND SPOONING MANGO CHUTNEY INTO YOUR GOB MADE YOU LOOK LIKE A SAVAGE.

They’re a bit sneaky actually, because they bring you some free popadoms when you arrive and then ask if you’d like anything with them. You’re obviously not going to eat them dry or just leave them sitting there. Then they rattle through all the chutney options at a rate that makes it sound like they’re speaking Bengali before saying slowly and clearly: “Or you could have them all.” It was actually a really good (if slightly pricey) pickle tray, featuring the usual lime pickle stuff, a raita type thing and some tasty pickled onion slices, among others.

The GF nipped for a wee before the main courses arrived, and it’s fair to say she was very taken with the toilets. “It was like being in a lagoon!” she said, in the manner of a bored housewife who doesn’t get out much. Next I’ll be getting texts at work saying things like: “These new hoover bags are brilliant!” or “Something really funny just happened while I was doing the ironing! Remind me to tell you later!” or “Carol McGiffin is sooooo outrageous!” The gents were equally impressive. There are three cubicles, which means you’ve got a decent chance of finding one that hasn’t been desecrated by another diner who, in a moment of swiftly regretted bravado, ordered a vindaloo.

At this point I should probably extend some sort of apology in the direction of the Mosque Kitchen. I eviscerated their chana masala (chickpea curry) in a previous review for being too salty. For some reason I decided to order it again at Khushi’s and — yes, you’ve guessed it folks! — it was really salty. I suppose that’s how it’s meant to be. Anyway, I didn’t really like it but that was probably my fault. The GF had a vegetable biryani, the rice ‘n’ veg part of which came in a pot with one of them doughy, pancake-y things over the top of it. The veg was just mini-veg stirred through the rice, which looked pretty uninspiring (and was a bit of a rip-off to be honest), and she thought the sauce was a bit hot. However, I finished off what she didn’t eat and I thought it was very nice. So there’s a bit of balance. And another bit: she’s previously had a goan fish curry at Khushi’s and says it was very nice. I’m sure I’d have enjoyed all the non-chana masala things on the menu too.

Our overall experience was soured by this terribly vulgar middle-aged couple sitting a few tables along from us who were absolutely trousered and insisted on shouting at ear-splitting volume to each other and throwing their food all over the floor.

Pros: Good location, quick service, high-quality pickle tray

Cons: Reasonably expensive, food wasn’t that great (but possibly down to poor decision-making on our part)

The Standing Order

The Standing Order
Big Wetherspoon’s on George Street
4/6

IN the immortal barely remembered words of iconic obscure 80s punk band The Descendents: “I like food, food tastes good, juicy burgers, greasy fries … I’m going to turn dining back into eating.”

With food, like music, there’s no accounting for taste. And not every meal has to be an experience. Which is why I really bloody enjoyed my veggie fry-up at Wetherspoon’s on Saturday.

I used to be an avowed and unshakeable opponent of Wetherspoon’s and its modus operandi, to which its bigwigs probably thought (while shrugging their shoulders and lighting cigars with £50 notes): “Haters gon’ hate.” But this hater has come to tolerate and even sort of love Wetherspoon’s culinary* offerings — the kind of relationship a long-suffering teenager might have with their annoying little brother.

I didn’t give the large vegetarian breakfast a gentle noogie before sending the cheeky scamp on its way (I gave it a Chinese burn), but I did devour it in such a rapid time that Norris McWhirter must have twitched in his coffin. No-one bothered to look at their watch, but I think it was about four seconds, easily beating the previous Standing Order record held by John Leslie.

Piled up on the plate were three vegetarian sausages, three hash browns, two fried eggs, a flat mushroom, a grilled tomato, beans, two pieces of toast, and butter. It was an awe-inspiring sight, and a lesser couple would have been cowed into submission by the sheer volume of food. But the GF and I fearlessly waded through the stygian (look it up you ignorants) marsh in front of us like the brave warriors we are.

The toast (seeded bread) and butter was the highlight for me, whereas the GF enjoyed her hash browns over all else. The egg yolks were just right — partly runny, partly … not runny. On the down side, I would generously describe the sausages as well-cooked, while the tomato had merely given the grill a wave in passing. And you have to buy a cup of tea separately. But those are minor quibbles given the price and the amount of food on the plate (and the fact everything else was spot-on).

I wish I could remember exactly how much it cost, but I can’t. It was definitely £4-odd though. Maybe £4.20? They offer a standard size of veggie breakfast as well for £3-something, but what’s the point in that? It took a lot of willpower not to go back on Sunday morning.

More generally, I’m not a huge fan of the Standing Order. It tends to be really busy and getting served at the bar can be a struggle. And I don’t think I’d order anything with meat in it from a Wetherspoon’s. But take my advice and get there early-ish one weekend morning for a large vegetarian breakfast.

*That’s assuming any proper cooking actually goes on at Wetherspoon’s. Which I’m sure it does, chill out Lee**.

**Lee Galteam. Bit of wordplay there.

Pros: Big, cheap, quick, tasty, waiter was even quite friendly

Cons: Was a wee bit chilly in the place for some reason

Bond No9

Bond No9
Commercial Street, Leith … in the converted warehouse between Ocean Terminal and the Shore
4/6

I WENT TO BOND NO9 ON COMMERCIAL STREET WITH MY GIRLFRIEND FOR DINNER AND DRINKS AND IT WAS REALLY GOOD. WE HAD—

Oh hang on, we’re back now, I can stop shouting. Sorry about that.

Oppressively loud chart remixes aside (might copyright that as a method of torture), Bond No9 was excellent. And to be fair, we did arrive for dinner at about half 9 on a Friday night, so what did we expect?

The bar/restaurant is part of the warehouse conversion near the Shore that also includes The Kitchin, so as you’d expect it’s pretty trendy (although the clientele on the night in question didn’t appear too wanky). I ordered haggis, neeps and tatties, which was still on special from Burns Night. The GF had (veggie) Thai green curry. To wet my whistle I plumped for a pint of Estrella Damm pilsner lager, which is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’d never had it before, but let me tell you it was like an out of body experience. Smooth, creamy, and with a lovely, lingering, bread-y aftertaste. Sorted me right out after a tough day of trying to disguise my review-writing as something work-related.

The haggis was very nice (just the right level of spiciness), and I’m not sure whether complaining about the portion size would be justifiable or greedy. In any case, the GF left some of her curry, which I had no hesitation in polishing off. I’m not a massive fan of Thai flavours but this seemed very decent (very spicy, too).

Afterwards we ordered cocktails from the extensive menu (the place seems to market itself as a cocktail bar). I had an Atholl Brose, which was authentic and tasty (and not too sweet).

Drinks and food are reasonably expensive (especially the cocktails), but that’s to be expected given the area. Service was fine.

Pros: Good food, wide selection of drinks, makes you feel pretty trendy

Cons: Pretty pricey, excessively loud music when we were there (admittedly a Friday night)

The Beach House

The Beach House
Portobello promenade … near the Espy
☻☺☺☺☺☺

AFTER a string of positive reviews, unfortunately here’s a negative one. I’ve only been to the Beach House café once, and it was a little while ago, so the details are a bit sketchy I’m afraid.

The GF and I popped into the café for lunch following a walk on Porty prom. It was busy, as it often is, but we found a table inside and perused the menu. We were taken aback by the prices (although we didn’t balk at them) and ordered the soup of the day and tuna mayo sandwiches, plus a pot of tea.

At that point I noticed there was a bit of fluff in the milk jug, so I asked the bloke serving us if we could get another one. He looked at me like I’d just pissed on his shoe, before telling me there was already milk on the table. I explained that there was a bit of fluff in the milk that was making me boak (I didn’t mention the boak part) and that I’d quite like the aforementioned milk replaced. He then looked at me like I’d just pissed on his shoe, up his leg, past his nipples and all over his face.

Bad start.

To make matters worse, I then embarrassed myself by spilling a load of tea on the table (comes out the top of the pot while you’re pouring, we’ve all been there, lol!).

All of this was compounded when the food arrived. The menu promised that the tuna mayo in the sandwiches would be served on a tasty-sounding bread and augmented with something crunchy like peppers. Sadly my memory’s a bit hazy here. I’ve got a vague recollection they were meant to come with salad too, and possibly crisps. Maybe just salad. I can’t remember. But anyway, the menu didn’t say we’d get two slices of white bread singly and stingily stuffed with boring tuna mayo, served on the same plate the soup bowl was sitting on.

On the plus side, the soup was very nice. Can’t remember what it was, but it was very nice.

Now, it’s possible that there was some sort of soup-and-sandwich deal on. Perhaps that was why the sandwich part of the meal was so basic. But from studying our bill, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the case (happy to be corrected though). Anyway, by all means go and make up your own minds — I wouldn’t want to put you off the place.

Probably won’t be back myself, though…

Pros: Nice location and view (could see a funny little Yorkshire Terrier from our seat), soup was good, he did eventually replace the milk
Cons: Poor (verging on rude) service, fancy prices for not-so-fancy food, gammy teapots